Jenn (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} anastrianna) wrote,@ 2004-05-26 08:31:00 |
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I think I want to stop BFing :(
I feel so bad, but I think I want to stop. A background summary: Emily was born via CS. I don't know how long it was after she was born until I got into the recovery room and got to see her 'cause I was a little spacy, but I didn't even get to touch her until then. I barely saw her right after she was born. We tried to nurse in the recovery room, but it wasn't working too well. The nurses in there were no help at all. They just squeezed me and shoved my breast into her mouth. It was disappointing, but I'd read enough to know that it doesn't always work well the first time, so I didn't despair too much. Emily was born early Wednesday morning and we left the hospital on Friday. During that time, we tried a lot. She would only latch on for a minute or two at a time. The LCs that came to "help" sucked. (no pun intended) Basically the same treatment as the nurses in the recovery room.
Luckily, before we left the hospital, we rented a breast pump. As it was, the weekend was horrendous. She was even worse at latching on at home. I was in pain b/c of the CS and she wouldn't latch on, plus the whole hormone thing... It was rough. We tried every time and pretty much always ended up pumping and feeding her through a syringe (to avoid nipple confusion). I'd not read up on how much milk the baby should be getting b/c w/ BF, you don't ACTUALLY know how much they get, so I didn't worry about it. Turns out she was only getting an ounce or so at every feeding and that wasn't enough. She was actually still losing weight.
That Monday, we went to the LC for a regular appointment. This was much better than when they just dropped by while we were at the hospital. We tried a nipple shield and that made all the difference. She nursed for quite a while and we found that she was able to get out about half of the milk that she needed, so the LC suggested we supplement with formula. I wanted to cry, but also felt relief: at least she'd be getting enough! We got bottles that were supposed to be more like the breast, etc. It was working pretty well. We went back at the end of the week and I fed her again and we weighed her. No change in the amount I was producing. The LC suggested Fenugreek, lots of pumping, and lots of water. I tried it all. I used the Fenugreek for 2 months (3 pills, 3 times a day). I didn't see much of a change at all. I did increase, but it was still only 1/2 of what she wanted/needed, so we still had to supplement.
I was pumping a lot, trying to get my supply up, but it always seemed that she would wake up and be hungry just after I'd pumped, so she drank from the bottle a lot. But she was drinking the BM too, so that was okay. I was even feeling a little "used" about that time w/ the whole BF thing. I felt like that was all I was good for and I wasn't even good at that. (Found out around 2mo that I was also suffering from PPD and got help for that.) So, I didn't mind so much the pumping and then feeding her with a bottle b/c I wasn't enjoying the actual nursing. That got better after I got help for PPD.
So, needless to say, she got used to the bottle and now won't nurse from me. For a while, she would only nurse from me at night. I was a little sad b/c I felt like I'd messed up the nursing by feeding her from the bottle so much, but at least she was still nursing at night. Now, she usually won't do that. Lately, I've given up on that and just go ahead and pump while Chris feeds her from the bottle. She was eating 4oz at a feeding and I was able to give her about 1/2 of what she needed. Now she's around 5-6oz but I still make the same amount. Maybe less b/c I've slacked off on pumping as much b/c I'm so tired of it.
Okay, I know some people just don't want to BF and that's okay. It's your/their decision. So, I don't want to offend anyone, but these are MY feelings about myself and my baby. I wanted to BF because I know it's the best thing for my baby. Women since the beginning of time have BF their babies. Why would something manmade be better than that? (again, my opinion) So, I already felt like a failure because I couldn't completely provide everything Emily needed. And now I'm just so tired of it. It sounds/feels selfish, but now I don't even get the benefit of the mommy/baby time when we're nursing b/c she doesn't nurse. I know I brought that on myself. I'm so tired of pumping at work, at home...the needing to pump b/c I feel so "full." I want to stop, but I feel so guilty. As moms, we want to do the absolute best for our babies and I feel like BFing is the best. So, even if the best I can provide is only a little milk, how can I possibly make the decision to NOT give her that?
Thanks for listening/reading.
I feel so bad, but I think I want to stop. A background summary: Emily was born via CS. I don't know how long it was after she was born until I got into the recovery room and got to see her 'cause I was a little spacy, but I didn't even get to touch her until then. I barely saw her right after she was born. We tried to nurse in the recovery room, but it wasn't working too well. The nurses in there were no help at all. They just squeezed me and shoved my breast into her mouth. It was disappointing, but I'd read enough to know that it doesn't always work well the first time, so I didn't despair too much. Emily was born early Wednesday morning and we left the hospital on Friday. During that time, we tried a lot. She would only latch on for a minute or two at a time. The LCs that came to "help" sucked. (no pun intended) Basically the same treatment as the nurses in the recovery room.
Luckily, before we left the hospital, we rented a breast pump. As it was, the weekend was horrendous. She was even worse at latching on at home. I was in pain b/c of the CS and she wouldn't latch on, plus the whole hormone thing... It was rough. We tried every time and pretty much always ended up pumping and feeding her through a syringe (to avoid nipple confusion). I'd not read up on how much milk the baby should be getting b/c w/ BF, you don't ACTUALLY know how much they get, so I didn't worry about it. Turns out she was only getting an ounce or so at every feeding and that wasn't enough. She was actually still losing weight.
That Monday, we went to the LC for a regular appointment. This was much better than when they just dropped by while we were at the hospital. We tried a nipple shield and that made all the difference. She nursed for quite a while and we found that she was able to get out about half of the milk that she needed, so the LC suggested we supplement with formula. I wanted to cry, but also felt relief: at least she'd be getting enough! We got bottles that were supposed to be more like the breast, etc. It was working pretty well. We went back at the end of the week and I fed her again and we weighed her. No change in the amount I was producing. The LC suggested Fenugreek, lots of pumping, and lots of water. I tried it all. I used the Fenugreek for 2 months (3 pills, 3 times a day). I didn't see much of a change at all. I did increase, but it was still only 1/2 of what she wanted/needed, so we still had to supplement.
I was pumping a lot, trying to get my supply up, but it always seemed that she would wake up and be hungry just after I'd pumped, so she drank from the bottle a lot. But she was drinking the BM too, so that was okay. I was even feeling a little "used" about that time w/ the whole BF thing. I felt like that was all I was good for and I wasn't even good at that. (Found out around 2mo that I was also suffering from PPD and got help for that.) So, I didn't mind so much the pumping and then feeding her with a bottle b/c I wasn't enjoying the actual nursing. That got better after I got help for PPD.
So, needless to say, she got used to the bottle and now won't nurse from me. For a while, she would only nurse from me at night. I was a little sad b/c I felt like I'd messed up the nursing by feeding her from the bottle so much, but at least she was still nursing at night. Now, she usually won't do that. Lately, I've given up on that and just go ahead and pump while Chris feeds her from the bottle. She was eating 4oz at a feeding and I was able to give her about 1/2 of what she needed. Now she's around 5-6oz but I still make the same amount. Maybe less b/c I've slacked off on pumping as much b/c I'm so tired of it.
Okay, I know some people just don't want to BF and that's okay. It's your/their decision. So, I don't want to offend anyone, but these are MY feelings about myself and my baby. I wanted to BF because I know it's the best thing for my baby. Women since the beginning of time have BF their babies. Why would something manmade be better than that? (again, my opinion) So, I already felt like a failure because I couldn't completely provide everything Emily needed. And now I'm just so tired of it. It sounds/feels selfish, but now I don't even get the benefit of the mommy/baby time when we're nursing b/c she doesn't nurse. I know I brought that on myself. I'm so tired of pumping at work, at home...the needing to pump b/c I feel so "full." I want to stop, but I feel so guilty. As moms, we want to do the absolute best for our babies and I feel like BFing is the best. So, even if the best I can provide is only a little milk, how can I possibly make the decision to NOT give her that?
Thanks for listening/reading.
